It's Sunday morning, I'm watching 'The Great Gatsby' with DiCaprio, I ate leftover Jason's Deli for breakfast, which was still delicious, and I'm 21 hours from my second surgery.
This surgery has me much more apprehensive than the first. My leg was tangible. I could poke the tumor and it cried with pain. I could massage the tumor and it relaxed. I could attach the x-rays films and MRI images and CT scans directly to an object which I could touch and squeeze. The chest tumor is not like that. I see the pictures, but I feel no pain. I'm told of the danger, but the tumor does not affect me in any way that I can tell. It is a silent danger which is growing and hiding inside me.
I've written about fear and my only fear is that of the unknown. This tumor is very unknown and therefore generates some fear. There is too much unknown and I must accept that because I know that time is of the essence. 3 weeks ago I spoke with Dr Stelig and said with much bravado 'Let's do it as soon as possible.' Now it's here and I wish I had a pause button. By all accounts this will affect me much less than losing a leg. There are 0 long term disabilities from losing a nickel sized sphere of lung tissue. I know all of this but I am a thousand times more nervous.
So here we are. We leave this afternoon for another drive to Little Rock. Tomorrow morning at 5am I will sign-in at UAMS and they will take me back for a few hours of the dreadful sleep that you only experience in an operating room. Then I will wakeup to a 3-4 day stay in the hospital. I look forward to seeing Charolette, Denise, Trish, and everyone else who may visit. This is what helps me look through the fear of the surgery. I will see my family and friends and the fear will be behind me.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Fear of the unknown
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We love you Uncle Damon, and you have every right to be apprehensive, and frankly scared to death, but no matter what seems to happen to you, you stay in amazing spirits, and I know it's for your family just as much as it is for you. You are an amazing man and probably the strongest one I have ever met, every obstacle you meet you soar through, you go above any beyond all expectations so much sooner than anyone ever expected. Your feat of this journey is spectacular, and no one will ever say otherwise. We all know that this next surgery will be much more different than the last, it may leave you sore, but we know just as well, that you will be just as determined as ever, and you will be mesmerizing doctors and nurses alike with your attitude and improvement afterwards. God has a plan for you, and if it is just for you to be here to inspire and lift the spirits of those around you, you have already succeeded. But I have a feeling you will do oh so much more, we love you and will see you soon :)
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